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Mr. Torrance did not relax until the play was about halfway through.
Philadelphia had just fallen. General Washington declared, "We will regroup at
Valley Forge!" and headed into the wings as the British took the stage for the
next scene. The director lifted Douglas right off of his feet and swung him in
a circle. "You'refantastic*" he cried. "Inever doubted you!" Then, setting his
star down, he looked straight up and whispered to the heavens, "Thank you."
Looking grim, Douglas dusted off his uniform and hurried backstage.
Commando wiped his brow and realized he'd been sweating. He ducked into the
costume room, where there was a sink. He splashed cold water on his face. It
felt good.
As he dried off, he noticed a muffled sound of frenzied activity coming from
the corner. He peered over his paper towel to see a pair of stockinged feet
sticking out from behind a rack of clothing. Nearby sat a pair of boots
General Washington's boots.
"Doug?"
"I'm in a hurry," came the reply.
"Are you okay?" Intrigued, Commando stepped behind the rack. There stood
Douglas, in his underwear from the waist down, plying a needle and thread,
furiously sewing pockets into his uniform pants. He was stuffing the pockets
with aces from a deck of cards that was fanned out on the floor.
Commando's jaw dropped. "You're going to do card tricks? Torrance'll have a
heart attack!"
132______________________________THE TW1NK1E SQUAD
Douglas did not look up from his work. "I am determined to rescue this play."
"But it's goinggreatl" Commando protested. "You're a big hit!" *
"This will fit perfectly into the scene," the star promised, sewing madly,
his nose on top of his work in the dim light. "I'll perform two quick card
tricks in perfect silence, and when Mr. Torrance sees how much it improves the
play, he'll be thrilled."
Commando listened to the voices from the stage. "Valley Forge is starting
already. Will you make it?"
Douglas stood up. "Certainly I'll make it." He stepped into his trousers and
attempted to pull them up to his waist. The left leg rose, but the right one
was stuck. He yanked harder, but nothing moved. "Hmmmm."
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Commando gawked. "You sewed your pants shut!"
It was all too true. Douglas' neat little stitches had attached the card
pocket to the frontand back of the pant leg. The opening was sealed tight.
His cue fast approaching, Doug flopped down on the floor in a concentrated
effort to ram the leg through the obstruction. Try as he might, he could not
kick his way into his pants.
Commando panicked. "Aw, Doug!" he gasped. "The play's going to be ruined, and
it's all your fault!"
Douglas was highly insulted."My fault?" he snorted, his postnasal drip
returning rapidly. "Blame that paranoid drama teacher. If he hadn't been
watching me like a hawk all evening, 1 could have taken my time and done a
proper job!"
And then came the fateful words through the vent: "Attention! Here comes
General Washington!"
The British Are Coming__________________________133
Desperately, Commando joined the struggle, yanking on the uniform trousers
while Douglas kicked like a horse.
"On three!" Douglas gasped. "One two three !"
R-r-rip!
From the crotch to the back seam, the general's pants tore completely in
half, leaving Commando holding one leg, and Douglas wearing the other.
"Get some pants!" cried Commando, but Douglas was already a step ahead of
him, lunging at the clothes rack. Totally out of time, he snatched up the
first pair of white trousers he set a hand on, pulling them right over the one
pant leg he still wore.
"Not those!" Commando exclaimed, too late.
They were incredibly baggy, white with giant pink polka dots. Below the
ankle, Douglas felt his feet slipping into enormous heavy plastic shoes.
General Washington had selected clown pants, complete with big flat feet.
"Hang on, Doug! We'll find something!" Commando shouted, throwing himself at
the costume rack, desperately searching for some pants white, black, blue
anything but clown!
"Attention! Here comes General Washington!" repeated the actor onstage, this
time a little nervously.
This was followed by Mr. Torrance's voice. "Fair-child, what are you doing?
That's your cue!"
Out of options, Douglas ran for the stage, clown pants and all. The giant
plastic shoes were so awkward that the first long stride threw him completely
off balance, and he tumbled forward to the floor with an enormous crash.
Dazed, he scrambled to his feet and made for Valley Forge, clomping loudly.
134______________________________THE TWINK1E SQUAD
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A confused murmur rippled through the audience. Was General Washington on
horseback? What else made aclop-clop-clop sound, steadily growing in volume?
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