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As for losing, well, one side always claims it is the ultimate victor, doesn't
it? Particularly when it wants you on its side. They lie, or tell half-truths,
just as we must sometime. It's another part of war. But I've seen both sides,
and I know death is preferable to what they offer." He paused a moment.
"Good-bye, Mother. Remain here tonight and with your looks you're sure to get
a ride and almost anything else you want." He pressed his "Home" stud and
vanished into the night.
She stood there, looking out at the bay, not really thinking, just crying in
the wind. Finally she went back to the car, got in, locked all the doors,
curled up, and continued crying in the damp and the dark. Finally, she felt
all cried out and just sat there for a while, not really thinking at all, yet
the thoughts came anyway.
Who are you?
I

I don't know.
Why don't you know?
'Cause I've downtimed the night side once too much.
Who were you?
I

I was a small child of the streets, and a nun, and a crucified rebel slave,
and countless whores, but mostly I was Ron and Dawn.
But Ron and Dawn were lovers. They were two, not one. Were you truly both of
them, or perhaps neither one?
Something seemed to snap inside her. All this shit it was crazy. It didn't
make no sense at all. It was stupid, like dreams were stupid when you stopped
to think on them a little.
She suddenly sat up in the car. "Oh my god!" she said aloud. She'd seen it in
others, but never thought about it in herself. Crazy. Around the bend. Looped.
She'd seen it before, in Gloria, among others. Girls who just got sick and
tired of this kind of life and knew they'd never be anything else. She thought
maybe it happened when you got real old, like Gloria she was almost forty. Not
to her.
But it had. It must be. Jesus! She'd really flipped out, and gone to live in
cuckoo-land for a while. No use figuring out how she really came to be down
here in this car. She looked in the back seat and saw her overnight case, then
crawled in back, opened it, and pulled out her makeup case. Switching on the
overhead light, she opened the case and looked at the face in the little round
mirror.
That's who I am, she told herself.
I'm Holly. I never been nobody else but
Holly and I ain't ever gonna be nobody else neither.
She wiped away the remnants of the tears and made herself presentable once
more. When she was satisfied, she packed up the case, unlocked the car door,
and got out, taking it with her. It was still quite dark, but she began to
walk up the road. There wasn't any traffic this time of night, but if a car
didn't come along, she'd eventu-ally reach a phone, she was sure or maybe wait
until morning. She no longer felt tired, just anxious to get back to town and
pick up her life.
A very old Volkswagen came rattling down the road going in the opposite
direction, and she paid it no heed. The driver, however, spotted her in his
headlights and slowed, then made a U-turn and came back up to her. She grew
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suddenly frightened, aware of just how much in the middle of nowhere she was
and just how alone and unpro-tected she was as well.
The VW pulled in just ahead of her, and the right door opened. She approached
it nervously, knowing there really was no place to run and just hoping this
was someone who was just trying to be helpful or on the make. She bent down
and looked in at the driver.
"Get in, Holly," said Doc.
"No! You're not real! You're part of the dream!" She backed away from the car
gingerly.
"I won't hurt you, Holly, but I'm afraid I must insist. Don't worry. If
nothing else, I'll take you as far as the bus station in Waldorf."
"I I don't trust you!"
"You shouldn't. But you don't have any choice. Now get in! I have other
appointments before this is over, and, as funny as it sounds, I don't have the
time for foolishness."
Holly sighed. "What the hell," she muttered, and pushed her case into the
cramped back seat and slid into the front passenger side.
As soon as she closed the door, Doc was off into the night.
A QUESTION OF HUMANITY [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]